I've had a little over a week to process my thoughts on my previous entry. I've consulted with the ones who taught me, who guide me...ones who are becoming colleagues and even more so are becoming friends and mentors. I've received different perspectives and good advice from each of them.
"I often question when younger people enter into this industry as I feel they just cannot understand or relate to some of the experiences that they will encounter. It's kind of "water off a ducks back" if you will. However, those of us that have been around a lot longer and have more life experience can truly understand what that person must be going through or be able to relate a similar personal experience. The younger ones still have the "invincible" mind frame so it just does not affect them as much."
"I too have calls that I can relate with your feelings and I can tell you that they never go away. I have calls that will stay with me for the rest of my life and have forever affected me...I don't even talk about them as I will cry if I do. However, in the eyes of others (all of my partners that I was with at the time of the calls) they were just ordinary calls and didn't affect them in the least. I first thought of myself as weaker but in time I have realized that it's just simply that the call was too close to home and I could directly relate it to my own life experience hence why it was so hard."
QUOTE(RG)And a third:
"Transfers and palliative care type emerg calls are different. These patients understand more about whats going on within them than we do and therefore we see much more calmness than other calls. And because things are not so chaotic, we do not separate ourselves form the patient as much during the patient care and therefore can be more compassionate and sometimes show our emotions more in front of the patient.
There are calls that will sit with you for a long time. I have them too. It does get easier as time goes and slowly the details blur which makes it easier to take. I find that I also use those calls in scenarios when I teach and over time I forgive myself."
QUOTE(SW)Now I once again muddle through my last minute preparations for another tour. One which I hope is my second last for practicum...ready to start being busier and to take these things on. Fingers are crossed for an average of 2-3 calls per day. A long weekend on the horizon I wonder with some excitement (but still nerves) what will come.
"It's not that we lose compassion, it becomes that we do as much for our patients that we can in the time that we spend with them. Otherwise, it will eat a person up. There are times where it takes some time for a patient to leave your thoughts but that is natural, after all we are still human and things can bug us. But don't feel guilty for being alive, you have gone through enough already and deserve to be where you are."
A friend told me while chatting "Around your 10-15th call you start to see things come together." I'm relieved to say he was right. I'm sitting with 13 calls (a combination of medivacs and emerg calls) and although I haven't had any major 'click' yet...the routine seems to be slipping into place when I'm not even looking.
Conversation has changed at the base from "where do you think you want to work after?" to "have you thought about applying here?"