As I pull into my parking stall at home I glance at the clock on the dash...0124h April 20th, 2007. An entire 5 hours have passed since I handed in the very papers which will determine what lays ahead for me.
2024h. That's what I noted as I walked away from the desk, having left my exam, and answers behind...heading towards the door knowing that on the other side there were classmates in the same state as me: disbelief. It's over? That's it? We're done? Nothing more we can do? Nothing more to have to learn (yet)?
I was expecting to feel something...anything...to mark the moment. But I was left feeling empty (aside from that headache which had come on around question 156). We're done. At this point...anything could happen and this could be the end of the road for any of us...or it will just be the next stepping stone as we continue ahead. Practicum is what lays ahead if we passed. Some of us starting as early as tonight.
After every other exam there was something...an energy, a fear...something. Tonight though I feel (as Marcie put it) numb...or empty...unfinished.
Is it just because we are awaiting our results? Is it the delayed reaction that this evening was the last time we will all for sure be together? Is it my own personal disbelief that I've even made it this far...I'm waiting to be shaken awake from this dream?
I thought it was important to record this tonight...before being tainted by the results we are told tomorrow. My purest thoughts on the matter. It started as an email to a friend...but I can't send it to him so instead I'll post it here.
I feel calmer tonight then I have in a couple years at least...my mind is (strangely) subdued. In the past 6 months I have come to know the best people ever. Not even in university did I feel so strongly about an entire group like I do of this particular class. Is it because we are all 'EMS' personalities and so inevitably we will bond tightly together? Or is it because we truly are a unique group of future EMT's or Medics that just somehow all found our way into this particular class? Maybe it's just all me...and the significance of all of this in terms of my own personal life...and journey...and experiences.
I don't know what to expect tomorrow as I await the word from Leslie...did I pass? Or not? Right now...I'm not even so worried about it. That could be the beer talking too though. The sense of peace that seems to have wrapped around me maybe is just the realization that at this point I have no more control...like so many other things in my life.
There's an innocence for many of us at this point...we haven't had a moment of experience on 'the other side' and so it's all still idealistic to us. I know from just every day experience that this will change with time...the real world will come to us all usually sooner then later. I wish I could capture this feeling, this sense of wonder...so that in some number of years when I question what brought me here I can be reminded.
For those that have been in this for a while...do you still feel it?
"I have a dream..." A dream of working in Africa: That's what started me on this path...it's what carries me...and it's what I am working towards. And perhaps after tonight I may be one step closer.