November 12, 2007 Time's Burden

I'm not sure what's worse: The first time a friend breaks your heart? Or when you dream of reconciliation only to wake up and relive the loss with the clarity which time has burdened you with?

I'm reminded how our personal relationship are tightly entwined with our accomplishments. It seems every time I take a giant step forward, the joy and exhilaration are dampened by the losses that are scattered on the pathway behind me.

This reconciliation I dreamed of allowed me to believe that there was some authenticity in a friendship I lost. The simplest words were spoken: "I miss you." And they brought forgiveness with them. To wake up and realize that the conversation never took place only proved that I am still wounded and instead express the sentiments I still feel. I don't believe I'll ever hear those words, and its that awareness which hurts me today.

I always have questions in search of the meaning of any situation. Because if I can make sense of the unwanted end, then I feel I can find peace. Yet more often those answers never come. And even when they do, the closure remains at large.

It also baffles me how one person seems to consistently get away with such indecent behaviour. I keep telling myself that karma really does catch up, yet as is true to my nature, I feel it's not soon enough. I try and remember that it's not for me to say...that I should focus on living my own life as I believe it should be lived rather then spending it in search of justice for others who may or may not want it.

I worry too how this will affect things down the road for me. There are choices I need to make which will affect my end goal... and they are becoming increasingly complicated by emotion. It is possible that when it comes times to take the next step, this severed relationship will have lost its influence. I can only hope this is true... even more so I hope that karma proves to be the bitch we all know it can be.